Moving towards divorce is a process that involves several stages and steps. First, we make a decision. Making a decision doesn’t mean it’s all good and easy, it means that we will move through a good deal of emotion and situations bringing that decision to fruition. Secondly, once we have made the decision, we will have a lot of feelings. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to organize those feelings through the lens of mourning. Then thirdly, we will create and move towards our compelling future. Fourth, we will champion that future, and lastly, we will always put our children before our fear, blame, and anger. Here are some quotes on divorce to help you through the process.
Making the Decision
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a step, and the first step of any journey is to make the decision. Making the decision to get divorced can be very conflicted. When deciding to get divorced, we are faced with tremendous ambivalence. Here are quotes on divorce about making the decision.
The underlying feeling, beneath the fear and anger, is sadness. Sadness over what has been lost, and what will be lost. There will necessarily be an end to the tears.
It is not unusual, even normal, to feel like a victim. We can feel like a victim. It is even healing to feel like a victim. However, we are not truly victims. Feeling like a victim is very different than being a victim. Making an empowering decision demands that we release our feelings of victimization and begin to live in being victors.
Victors have their emotions without being ruled by them. Victors will even press against the currents of their emotions at times. They do this by leaning into their principles and values.
Principles are the bedrock that our values live in. Values will guide us not only in decision making but also will be the lighthouse that guides us in all our times of trouble.
As we lean into our values, the road will become clearer and the decision easier to make. New feelings are the result of making the decision.
Grief & Mourning
It will seem like fear at first. When we look more closely it is more than fear. We find that we are experiencing grief. We will necessarily begin to grieve the loss of our marriage. Here are quotes on divorce about mourning the loss.
The risk of love is always betrayal. Grief is the outcome of any loss.
The danger of grief is that we can wallow in it. It can haunt us endlessly leading to a hollow life. The way through grief is to embrace it through mourning. The mourning process allows us to have our grief and open the door to tomorrow. Here are quotes on divorce about focusing forward over fear.
Mourning is distinct from grief in that it has a time limit. Much like mourning the loss of a loved one, we will give ourselves a set time to go deep into our grief. Ritualizing the mourning will deepen the process and give it more finality. Inviting our friends and family into supporting us in declaring an end to our time of formal grieving through mourning will empower us to step into tomorrow with new confidence.
Yes, grief will come up after the mourning period. It will be far less impactful. By engaging in mourning, we have disarmed grief. The fear that it will never end will have left us simply by our declaring that we are complete with our mourning process.
Completing the mourning process does not mean freedom from pain. We will have pain even after releasing what was good and bad about the marriage. It may seem like hell at times. Here are quotes on divorce about focusing forward over the fear.
How To Move Forward
Moving forward one step at a time is the only answer that will work for us in these times. To stop walking forward is to invite doubt and fear to dominate our experience.
How do we move forward? We create a vision for ourselves and our family. We accept that divorce is not the end, but a new beginning.
Creating a vision for the future allows us to access energy and emotion. Where once we spent energy on anger, fear, sadness, and blame, now we focus it forward to our compelling future. A compelling future is one built on our desires for ourselves and our family.
A compelling future allows us to let go of what seems good and reach for greatness!
It is highly likely that as we reach we will stumble. We may lose our temper with our soon-to-be-ex in a way that is destructive and hurtful to ourselves and our children. We have lost sight that they are also forever our children’s other parents in those moments. At the same time, we learn to form our mistakes.
In those moments, we allow our dream and vision to resurface.
Living As A Champion
When we allow our dream to pull us forward, we succeed. When we lead with our vision, everyone wins and we become champions.
One of the biggest distractions in the divorce process is asset division. Feeling shortchanged emotionally, we fear being shortchanged financially. We can always earn more money. We need to balance the emotional costs with the financial costs always.
When the divorce is over, you will all still be family, even your ex. Your family is not “broken”. The act of divorce is a means of transforming something that was not working into something that is working better if not perfectly. It is a process of transforming the family.
Putting The Children First
Putting the children’s well-being first is central to the transformation. Ideally, both parents have the children’s well-being on the front burner. When both parents put the children first, they will minimize the victim experience for their children. The children will no longer be collateral damage or put in the middle of the dispute, but rather they and their feelings will be front and center.
Even when only one parent does, this will drive a better outcome for the children. The children always have a haven from fear, blame, and anger when at least one parent is focused on their well-being.
Stick with these five guiding principles in making your decision and your divorce will be far less painful. It will take less time. It will cost less financially. Most importantly, you and your children will come out of the process far more whole and complete!