Did you know that one in five men and one in four women report that they are checking their spouse’s phone?
That’s just the ones who reported it! Then there is the rest of us.
There are a lot of factors that drive trust in a relationship. The statistics on infidelity indicate that there may even be a good reason NOT to trust- except that living in a state of constant distrust is toxic to you and the marriage.
How do we develop trust and confidence without leaving the door open?
Here are five tips to help you drop the constant worry and move forward in your own life and your married life (and stop checking your spouse’s phone).
1- Focus On You (Not On Checking Your Spouse’s Phone)
When things are not 100% in our marriage, it’s easy to get all fixated on the other person.
Remember the world is your mirror. If you are worried that your partner is straying, start by taking a look at your own thoughts and interactions.
Are you cultivating “friendships” that are becoming emotionally intimate in a way that you should reserve for your marriage? Has that tendency to admire someone else’s beauty become permission to fantasize just a little?
Often when we worry about our partner’s “roving eye” it’s really our own we need to look at!
2- Your Own Development
Sometimes, jealousy is about something other than another person.
Sometimes we feel our partner is living the “good life” and we are not moving forward. Maybe we feel we are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.
Take time to focus on your own development.
What is it that you wanted to accomplish that all that heavy lifting got in the way of? What dreams did you set aside that you can brush off and breathe new life into? Are there classes you are interested in? Maybe you want to start a new hobby?
When we ignore our own talents for any reason, it is easy to be jealous of our partner!
3- Make New Connections
Look at your immediate circle of friends.
Are they uplifting you and supporting you in moving forward? Or are they naysayers feeding your fears?
We are the composite o the five people we spend the most time with. If your friends all have trust issues, no wonder they are supporting you in yours.
Surround yourself with people living successful lives, who are personally fulfilled, who have happy marriages, and learn from them.
4- Working ON The Marriage
When we are afraid that our partner is stepping out, it’s usually because we have been on the same parallel tracks with them for too long.
We feel we are living parallel lives, in which we both do our jobs, maybe watch Netflix, and rarely talk except for small talk.
Intimacy? What is that? Sex…would be nice if we could get some.
Of course, we become suspicious, we are not satisfied so how could they be? They seem satisfied, so what are they doing that we are not?
This is a natural and unhealthy line of thought. Cut that line of thought out and begin working ON your marriage. Break the routine, start having caring communication.
Look for ways you can move onto converging tracks, not parallel ones.
5- Get Creative
Being on converging tracks will take creativity.
Start out with date night once a week so that you can start to talk more about what is going on in your lives.
Plan a weekend away at least once a season. If you can´t take a weekend, make it one night away.
Use that time to begin to dream together. Start talking about sex . Plan a vacation together. Talk about how you can support one another in developing and growing.
When you start working ON your marriage there is a whole lot less room for stepping out!
6- Verify
There is a saying, trust and then verify.
It is possible that something IS going on. You don’t want to be covertly checking their devices all the time.
Instead, have a conversation about what is infidelity? Is “doing it” infidelity? Or is there more to it?
What kinds of conversations should you be having ONLY with one another for example.
Start identifying boundaries together and verify that you are on the same page. By the way, in a healthy marriage, there is the freedom to look at one another’s devices from time to time, because there is nothing to hide.
As a result, people in healthy marriages don’t feel that they have to even though they have permission (link to healthy marriage blog).
Now You Know How To Stop Checking Your Spouse’s Phone
Follow these five steps and you won’t need to check that phone anymore. You will become more engaged in your own life purports and development again, you will weed out negative relationships, develop a healthy support network, start working on your marriage and you will both be more creative about how to do so!