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Signing the papers is going to be the BIG moment in a divorce. It is finally done. Complete. Finished!
Signing the papers is actually a very anticlimactic moment. The papers are signed, the deal is sealed.
Somehow, you still have lingering feelings about your ex. Even though you are living separately, you’re still having the same kinds of fights.
You’re still resentful. You are divorced… And still, you have the same dynamic in your exchanges. So you got to ask yourself, how long is it going to take me to get over this?
Studies show it takes about 18 months on average to let go of the trauma of divorce.
Make no mistake this is a traumatic experience. Think about it, you’ve just gone through at least a year of at the best negotiating and at the worst fighting about how you’re going to cut up your assets and time with children.
Very little about the divorce process itself is actually healing. The only way it can become healing is if you create your own rituals and transitions in the process.
In order to do this you’d have to know something about the process in advance, but no handbook, no article, nothing can really prepare us for this experience fully.
The first step to getting over the divorce is letting go of it.
Letting go is the same as the mourning process when you lose a loved one. In letting go you’re going to review what’s good, what was bad, and you’re going to release it so that you can move on.
Why do we need to release it to move on?
In the course of the day, we each have only so much emotional energy available. Where we invest that emotional energy is going to determine how we feel.
When we hang out in fear, anger, blame, and regret, we tend to reap what we sow. When we release those feelings, we get to move on to the more fertile ground. Thus the importance of letting go.
When we’re ready to let go, we’re ready to forgive.
Forgiving is not about making the other person right. It is not about justifying all the terrible things they’ve done.
Forgiving is about simply accepting that they are as human as we are. That there is little another human being has done that we’re not capable of.
That’s not to say we would choose to do what they do but we’re capable of it. We can forgive them because that’s the road to forgiving ourselves.
Once we’ve let ourselves off the hook, then we experience real freedom.
We’re more fully able to take real care of ourselves and nurture ourselves when we’re in the space of forgiveness and letting go.
It’s vital that we put ourselves first when it comes to self-care. We perform better in every aspect of our lives when we take care of our basic needs first. That is why self-care is vital!
When we put our loved ones before ourselves consistently we’re going to burn out. Putting others before herself is a consistent recipe to crash and burn, and our loved ones always suffer when we crash and burn.
Thus we will take really good care of our mind body and spirit.
When we reach this space of letting go of and forgiveness, we are now ready to really focus on our children.
When we’re focused on the well-being of our children, we’re going to be less distracted by the shenanigans of our ex.
Well-being will be defined by professionals for the most part. It’s really easy for parents to argue about what’s really good and right for their children.
Believe it or not, we have a tendency to frame the well-being of our children in terms of the outcomes we want to create. Focusing on the real well-being of the children and the help of professionals will help us with that.
That’s not to say that every now and then we’ll have an intuition about what’s good for our children that’s outside of the mainstream. It’s more that we want to validate our thoughts with professionals who we trust.
You’re going to find that you’re sleeping through the night.
No longer are you waking up in the middle of the night wondering about him. You’re no longer thinking about all the wrongs that were done to you. This is the real joy of letting go.
You’re going to wake up refreshed and ready for the new day. That desired sleep and extra hour? Hardly ever going to happen.
This is because you are going to be excited and focused on your new life.
You will be amazed at how comfortable you are in your own skin when you reach this place.
Once we have let go of the past, are taking care of ourselves, and focusing on the future of our family, so many things fall into place that seemed elusive during the divorce.
This is a surefire sign that you’re moving on.
You will no longer regret the past, and you’re going to be positive about the future.
This is a key feature of resilience.
Not only will you feel positive but you will have a vision for the future of you and your family.
It may be a vision that is separate from the other parent, or it may even be one that you share together depending on how willing they are to focus on the well-being of the children over their own selfish desires.
Meeting new people will be fun again. Dating will be exciting, even thrilling. You’re going to move from fear and anxiety about this to excitement.
There’s a very thin line between anxiety and excitement by the way. The idea of meeting new people, the freedom to walk away if it is not a good fit, the possibility of meeting someone that you really click with are all part of the mix here.
You don’t have to wait 18 months post-divorce to get over past it.
You can get over the divorce while you are in the middle of it. To get there, actively engage in letting go, forgiving, taking care of yourself, putting your children first, and focusing on your new future.
Believe it or not, there are formulas that can get you there. Our proprietary formula has helped every client who’s used it to move into a new space in their life.
One in which they’re excited about their future and the future of their children.
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