Abuse in relationships is one of the hardest things to overcome, even more given the fact that most of the time, the victim hardly notices their situation or how they got there.
We fall for someone. They seem like Mr. or Mrs. Right! Then slowly things change and we don’t know why.
One day we wake up and realize that we are living at the bottom of a hill. They are on top and we are on the bottom. And guess what they are full of, that has been rolling down on us all this time?
Inadvertently, without fully realizing it, we have become the victims of abuse! Sounds familiar?
Is it really possible to get over it? How do we get back on top in our own lives? What are the tools we need to recover ourselves and our lives?
Read on for the top five tools for moving from abuse victim to victor.
Continually receiving other people’s anger, blame and abuse inevitably will sap our self-esteem. If we are completely honest, it may have been a little low, to begin with!
Abusers tap into our low self-esteem and sell themselves as the solution. Until they turn, that is.
When we get out from under, you will need to consciously and carefully rebuild your esteem. We do this first by taking really good care of ourselves.
Take time for yourself! Put yourself first.
Chances are the abuser has systematically pressed you in the opposite direction-giving up yourself for them. We are used to making sacrifices for them and our children.
Get it: you can’t care for others when your own battery is not charged.
Exercise, do some yoga. Rest more. Re-Engage in meditation, prayer, and/ or mindfulness. Look in the mirror and say “I love you”! Notice how uncomfortable just thinking about doing that is.
Once your batteries are charged, do esteemable acts. Help someone else and don’t tell anyone you did it.
Again notice how much you want to go to others to be acknowledged. Part of recovering our self-esteem is knowing we don’t need to get “it” from anyone else.
Abusers systematically alienate us from our network.
They do this so that we can only turn to them. The abuser wants you dependent on them. They don’t want anyone giving you a perspective that is out of alignment with theirs.
Reach out to old friends, people you counted on in the past. Be willing to say “I’m Sorry I disappeared”. Explain to them what you have been going through.
Chances are, they already know! Reconnect with your family. Get involved with a church, synagogue, mosque, or similar spiritually based organization.
Connect with a coach, with a therapist. We are all only as strong as our network.
Explore who you are.
Begin a journal. If you don’t like to write, begin a personal video blog.
Begin to see how you entered into this abusive relationship. Have you been in similar relationships? What is it about you and your history that created an opening for the abuser?
The exploration is not about blame. Nor is it about shame. It is about understanding how you got where you are.
A HUGE piece in breaking the chain of abuse is owning how you made yourself vulnerable so that you NEVER allow it again.
Forgiveness is a huge part of moving on.
Begin with forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for walking into this relationship in the first place.
Do it with the knowledge that abusers are master hostage-takers. Do it knowing that literally millions of people have gone before you in similar relationships.
Look in the mirror again and say “I’m sorry, please forgive me”. Don’t forget to respond “I forgive you”.
Forgive them. That’s right, forgive them.
As awful they are, they got that way because someone else abused them and trained them to do the same.
Abusers are made, not born.
Forgiving them is an act we do for ourselves, not for them. In doing so we give ourselves permission to let go and move on.
Moving from abuse to becoming your own champion is a simple process, but not easy. It’/s like being in a box with the instructions on the outside.
Reach out to professionals who have been there. Reach out to people who truly understand the transformation from abuse victim to victor.
Find a mentor, someone who has been where you are and understands what you are going through. It’s so much simpler with a guide who understands the terrain!
Schedule a cost-free exploratory call with me now and we´ll see what we can do. As a coach, I´d love to help you get the power over your life again!
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