There is a myth about successful marriages.
It’s that for a successful marriage to work, there has to be good sex. Because of this, people tend to judge the fit of their relationship by how good the sex is, rather than putting the emotional fit first.
Worse than that, some couples start out with chemistry, and then the sex diminishes after a while. They don’t know what to do.
Did something go wrong with the marriage? If the sex is not as hot as it was that must be it, right? Wrong! Sex is a learnable and improvable skill.
Part of the problem has to do with the fact that most people don’t talk about sex! If we talked about our experience, what feels good, what does not.
What we are willing to try, we might find something new and better- right in our own bed!
Here are some sex questions to have a better, more intimate understanding of your spouse.
Let´s Talk About Sex
We live in this upside-down society where sex is both sacred and for sale. We are not supposed to expose our kids to sex- though they can watch 20-25 acts of violence in cartoons on Saturday morning.
Most of us learn about sex either from an “experienced” friend in our teens, the school system which handles sex as a physical act alone, or from our parents, who were raised in an even more restrictive society than the current one.
As a result, how much do we talk about sex, particularly with our partner? The fact is that in every pair of people, one is more open to talking about sex than the other.
When we talk about sex, we get real about it. There is sex as each person perceives it and themselves as “performers’, and then there is what actually pleases you.
Sex, real sex, is all about emotions.
We express emotion through our bodies, it’s a very intimate experience. When we perform sexual acts without love and intimacy, this is no longer sex.
Sex workers have made this distinction for centuries. Sex workers view their act as just that, an act. When they are with someone they love, that is real sex.
Emotions can be complex. To be intimate there are three elements involved; caring communication, trust, and empathy. In order to talk about sex, there needs to be trusted.
Trust that our feelings and desires won’t be trampled on. Empathy is a key component to pleasuring one another. Not only do you need to know what each of you likes, but also have an awareness of what that your partner is experiencing during the act will enhance your sex life.
Sex Talk Ground-Rules
- Allow yourselves to be comfortable with being uncomfortable with the conversation.
- Make it OK to enjoy or not enjoy the conversation when you first have it.
- Schedule a quiet evening with no interruptions to go through these questions together.
- Be 100% honest with one another.
- Honor your partner’s wishes- they don’t want to try something? No problem. We are looking for openings here, not forcing people to do things they don’t want to.
- Remain in service to one another- real leaders lead through service.
- Agree to keep the conversation confidential- you won’t tell anyone without one another’s permission.
19 Sex Questions To Amazing Sex With Your Partner
- Where did you first learn about sex?
- What was your parent’s attitude about sex?
- Which of you is the high desire partner? The low desire partner?
- What is your fear about yourself and sex?
- How would you like to be “romanced” during the day in anticipation of sex together?
- How do you show that you want sex?
- Which new love-making positions would you like to try?
- Where else would you like to have sex (besides your bedroom)?
- What do you think about sex toys?
- What kind of foreplay do you like
- How much foreplay, for how long?
- Tell one another about the touches that lead to orgasm.
- How often would you like to have sex? Really
- What do you like best about oral sex? How might you fine-tune it?
- How verbal would you like to be? Or how loud?
- What would you like to see me wear (or not)
- How important is it to connect emotionally?
- What kind of fantasizing is OK
- How, and how long would you like to be held after sex.
What Do I Do After Making The Sex Questions?
Take some actions, agree on trying at least one thing that comes out of the conversation every time you are intimate.
Don’t throw in too many changes all at once.
Talk about what was better, what was not. You may try something and fall flat on your face. That’s good, it’s how we learn.
Remember that sex is a teachable skill. You can both get better the more you communicate and practice together!